i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
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Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I can’t wait!
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I have never related to a cat more