Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
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Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.