*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.