therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
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I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.