Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
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fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Oh, I bet you would be
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.