Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
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PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early