How do you milk an almond?
You Might Also Like
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
smh
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit