Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
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[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.