i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
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I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm