apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
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‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!