Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
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HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
the three branches of government
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.