Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
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Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships