I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
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Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
thinking about a very short hotdog
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Selfie
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?