Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
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If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
This meal prepping shit is easy
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.