Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
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Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.