Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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Human are so complicated
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.