REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
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my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I unironically love this joke.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.