We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
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Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer