When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
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narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok