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It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.