Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
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I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
A drum solo but on your face.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb