I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
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You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
This made me smile…
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there