No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
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Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
All set.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁