Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
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Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Need this in my life lol
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.