*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
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*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I’m confused about plants
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?