i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
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Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If snakes were wide
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers