“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
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The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
What the dentist sees
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder