The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
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Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Guy who likes music
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert