I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
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My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Owl Sanctuary
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.