Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
the #horror is real!
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.