Don’t make me out nice you.
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With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.