First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
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*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”