wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?