[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
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[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]