My patronus is a cheeseburger
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[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Hello Twits.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Love this guy
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.