On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
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Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
rich people when they have to pay taxes
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.