[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
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I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.