found this cool rock hiking today
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If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”