please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
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*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.