an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
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*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”