(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
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Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.