I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
You Might Also Like
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
i hope my email finds you on fire
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly