Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
*Inspirational Tweets*
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…