Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
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i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I’m tired tomorrow.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.