First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
You Might Also Like
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?