A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
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If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
(more comics:
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
(2022)
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.