Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
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They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it