Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Word.
~ Microsoft.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
When I laugh on my period
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?