My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
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DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.