*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
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The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.